คราวที่แล้วเราได้หัวข้อที่เกี่ยวกับ Work and travel before starting university studies ไป คิดว่าหลายๆคนคงได้มีโอกาสลองเขียน IELTS Essay ส่งมาให้อาจารย์ IELTS Examiner ตรวจกันบ้างแล้วนะคะ วันนี้พี่ขอนำตัวเฉลยงานเขียนซึ่งเป็นตัวอย่างของน้องในคลาส IELTS มาฝากกันค่ะ ใครยังไม่เคยเขียนลองเข้าไปดูที่ Link ด้านล่างได้เลยค่ะ
In the modern world, there are some opinions of youngsters who would prefer working or travelling for a year before entering to undergraduate level in university, but most of them are willing to study first. This essay will examine the benefits and drawbacks from this issue choice.
It is undeniable that many As is so often realized, juveniles are too young for world exploration and the responsibility for of a career. It can state that Kknowledge and experience are too earlylittle for young people to work in corporations. Dangers from journeys can happen to those who do not know situations and cultures in countries such as many thieves in Rome, looking for a chance of stealing an easy foreign target. There is also a lack of taking care of parents parental care for a prosperous future, including a good proper nurtureing and experience from guardians.[ In many countries, there is a set of laws which legislate to protect juveniles from crimes. ] (off topic in paragraph) Moreover, by this age, those who would like to travel need much money to spend on which many youngsters cannot acquire. For example, Mr. Jade, one of my friends, found an unlucky situation during his trip in Laos. His wallet was stolen because the thief thought that he was young and easy to steal.[concluding sentence(s) needed here.]
In the a positive views, some encourage teenagers to use fill their life extremely to the fullest such as through hard work and travel because they will get many real experiences which can adapt to use be used in the future. They can find interact with different cultures, and lifestyles from other societies and many citizens with speaking various languages. This can develop them to open worldwide their views in of the world. Experiences from other societies and work place might help those better makinge better a decision than staying with their parents. For instance, my niece who was seventeen years old had a secretary job in a small company. She learnt many skills such as planning and scheduling.[concluding sentence needed here.]
All in all, juveniles who do not decide to work or travel early can have many benefits from being taking care of of by parents, laws and society in university. On the other hand, some adults believe that teenagers who are encouraged to explore worldwide the worldcan have a lot of experiences at a younger age.
Overall IELTS Band Score: 6.0
IELTS Examiner‘s Comments:
Your errors are rather mixed in nature. Some of your sentences need to be reformulated and your examples don’t serve any purpose within the main ideas of your paragraphs. Go deeper into Your example and answer “ So what?”. You’re got some good structures as well though so keep up the effort.