มาพบกันตามสัญญาแล้วนะคะ กับเฉลยและคำแนะนำจากหัวข้อเกี่ยวกับ Fitness และ Health ในตอนที่แล้ว ใครยังไม่ได้ลองเขียนสามารถเข้าไปดูได้ตามลิ้งค์ข้างล่างนี้เลยค่ะ
ทีนี้มาลองดูเฉลยและคำแนะนำจาก IELTS Examiner กันนะคะ
It is undeniable that populations in many countries are increasingly overweight and becomeing unhealthy. It is important to make sure that they are protected from detrimental situations a deteriorating state of health. This essay will examine some factors contributing to causes of this concern and also some feasible approaches to deal with it.
Generally, obesity is directly associated with eating behavior. Many people nowadays rely on fast food or pre prepared ready-made meals such as hamburgers, fried chicken, and instant noodles. These foods often contain too much fat, sugar and salt; as a result, they can cause obesity and leads to many chronic diseases, diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, and so on.
Apart from that, inadequate physical activitiesy becomeis the significant a primary cause as well. In the past, people were more active in their job at home while currently, most of them walk less and do sit at their desk performing a sedentary job. Actually, regular exercise is essential in maintain fitness; likewise, it burns a lot of calories. Unfortunately, individuals spend too much time working on computers and relaxing in a sedentary lifestyle, surfing the internet, online social networks, watching television, and dining out. Therefore, their weight is getting over and grows putting strain on body systems cannot work effectively.
According to To target this problem, citizens should be aware and adapt adopt healthy behaviors. They should balance their meals with a healthy diet, Ffor example, eating more fruits and vegetables instead of fast foods and sweets. Furthermore, sedentary activities should be changed by doing more physical activities., Ffor instance, take taking the stairs instead of the elevator, going for a walk after work three times a week and playing sport on the weekend.
All in all, individuals’ weight is rising; fitness maintaining maintenance becomes declining are the is on the decline as a result of consuming an unhealthy diet and taking insufficient exercises. So coping with them Therefore, to cope with the problem, one should balance the meals and try to exercise increasingly regularly.
IELTS Band Score: 5.5
IELTS Examiner‘s Comments: As you can see, there are errors in every line of this essay. In other works, there are no sentences which are error-free. You’re got some good vocabulary but more adjectives are needed to gibe this essay more flavor. Also, your solution that “citizens should be aware” is rather weak. How would you change their habits? More ideas are required in this case.