จากหัวข้อที่นำมาฝากกันคราวที่แล้ว IELTS Topic: overweight วันนี้พี่เอาเฉลยทางด้านไวยากรณ์และคำแนะนำดีๆของ IELTS Examiner มาฝากกันค่ะ
At present, general society is concerned about nutrition and health in children and is caused by the increasing number of overweight children especially in developed nations. According to public opinion, the expanding number of fast food outlets is the first issue and the alternative opinion is that parents do not pay enough attention to children’s health. This essay will examine both sides of these perspectives, and my opinion is in favour of the former will be provided.
To begin with, fast food restaurants are shops is located almost in almost every country and they seems like to be expanding indefinitely. Moreover, fast foods is a are popular choices for children because it has a good taste. Also the toys that are given away with the foods are persuading children to buy the foods as well. On the other hand, fast foods is are in high in cholesterol, salt and fat, which these causes can lead to the serious health problems such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol level, obesity, diabetes and so on. As a result, obese children have poor health, so they will not able to participate in activities.
On the contrary, others believe that parents are another reason that affects a children’s health. Accordingly For example, parents may focus on their work too much, which causes them to then they do not have enough time to supervise their children. Also, they may not don’t know how to cook and go to a fast food restaurant shop for their kids because fast food restaurants shops sell food at for very low prices. Furthermore, they may have an inadequate knowledge about in nutritionally knowledge,. which means non-plan of children foods.
From my perspective, I agree with both views that fast food outlets and parents are significant factors that influence to have a children’s well-being but parents have a more vital role than fast food shops because they can give an advice and teach their children them good eating habits.
In conclusion, fast food restaurants shop should take have more responsibility to look after ingredients their foods for young people. However, parents should take an active role in their children’s lives even though there are lots of fast food restaurants shops around the areas.
Estimate IELTS BAND Score: 6.0
IELTS Examiner’s Comments:
This was a good task two response. You had a few problems with word choice, eg. Fast food shops à restaurants. Also check your use of the verb to be, punctuation and possessives. Your argument was well written and many sentences were error free. But you still need to check your word order in some sentences and more variables will be a good idea. Good effort!