กลับมาพบกับเฉลยของ IELTS Writing Topic Sport Class#2 กันนะคะ พี่เอาฉบับครั้งที่ 1 มาฝากเพื่อให้น้องๆได้ดูเปรียบเทียบด้วยค่ะ
เฉลยจุดผิดพลาดจาก IELTS Essay หัวข้อ Sport Classes ครั้งที่ 1
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Reference: เตรียมสอบ IELTS Exam: Writing TASK II Sport Class Topic
In order to keep the students more focused, the sports classes should be stopped in high school. Do you think this will be a right approach for a better generation?
At present, it is argued that a secondary school should hold back the physical education curriculum so as to keep students successful in learning. In contrast, others think that the sports subjects they would help students to thrive in their life. However, I agree with this latter ideas which this essay will be examine and my opinion will be provided.
With respect to this issue, it is a belief that a majority of students feel delighted and enjoyable in the sports classes and that they do love this subject more than other subjects in their schedule. For this reason, gym class should be continued in the curriculum not only in high school but also added at every level. Due to, This course would help pupils build a good foundation in life.
Moreover, the sports classes would help students get a better health and better life. For example, if pupils spend their hobby time playing sports, they will get physical strength, a balanced body, which leads to a good mental health and having a disease-free body as well. In addition, focusing on youngsters today, they spend most of times after finishing learning with tutorial special subjects such as math and science. They lacking leisure time and do not take care of their bodies. Due to this issue, many students have an obesity problem which is caused from the consumption of more sugary foods such as junk food in daily life. At the same time, they do not exercise.
Regarding playing sports issue, many people say that learning rules correctly
rule would help the players understand the game better and protect themselves in
harmful situations.
To sum up, it is clearly identified that sports are like as the best medicine, they can help one’s physical body and ensure a good mental state. Moreover, the student will have a good virtue, understanding discipline and develop cooperation. In addition, the teacher should teach students at separate times correctly and suggest them know what they should do in order to get a better their lives.
Estimate IELTS Band Score: 5.0
Comments: You have some good ideas and vocabulary (but the last body paragraph should be expanded upon). The problem is with the linking/transition language which you clearly are not confident with. You need to review this as one’s writing is only as logical as the links between ideas. Also, keep your paragraphs together (same topic). Learn from these corrections.
