Reference: เรียนเขียน ielts writing หัวข้อ Healthcare
At present, there are immense advances in medical care such as potential medicines, surgery, and clinics. Nevertheless, a the level of physical health amongst developed countries seems to be lower. This essay will illustrate the causes of this problem and my practical approach to resolve the predicament.
The first First and foremost, people in a modern society have to work more than those in the past due to a fierce competition in a the workplace; hence, they probably lack adequate exercises in a daily life and consume a variety of junk foods. This leads them to obesity, indolent diseases and even diabetes. For example, individuals, working in the center of town, have a face rush hour in every step; non-step therefore, they need to eat a hamburgers, and drink coffee, which is are not beneficial to our body, to struggle for in a busy society. Apart from that, they do not have a personal time to relax or exercise owing to tons of work rendering working individuals to gain a feel pressured.
To relieve this issue problem, I suggest the achievable strategies to tackle the problem it. Primarily, all companies should endeavor to focus more on employees’ health by implementing some policies or campaigns. Providing an annual health check amongst workers and welfares to those who suffered from a disease will enhance people’s health. Secondly, cultivating the awareness of personal conditions is a significant part which cannot be ignored in this day and age through posters, leaflets, and the media. I think it may leave an impact on self-awareness amongst people in some ways.
Although the physical health problem seems to be an increasing trend in affluent country countries, I believe that it is not far too late to resolve the problem. By campaigning and enabling advocating a sense of personal care, it will augment improve an individuals’ individuals health.
Comments from IELTS Examiner : Band Score: 6.0
you need to review the rules of articles (a/an/the) because I count 15 errors with articles only. In addition, I see you have trouble identifying whether or not nouns are countable. By reducing these errors, your essay would look a lot cleaner. Hit those grammar books and let’s clear out the use of articles errors. Real world examples, please!