วันนี้กลับมาตามสัญญาแล้วนะคะ อย่างที่บอกไปก่อนหน้า ครั้งนี้พี่จะนำเอาตัวอย่าง Band 9.0 มาฝาก รวมทั้งเอาคำแนะนำดีๆจากงานเขียนครั้งก่อนมาฝากน้องๆกันด้วยค่ะ
In recent decades, a gap between egalitarian societies and personal success has enlarged and it seems to be unstoppable. Although some people think that they should focus on their personal goals, other individuals might consider that the same rights the doctrine of equality and same opportunities would bring about the long live lasting benefits to our societies. In my opinion, I strongly agree that people can achieve more in this equal societies that favour equality.
On the one hand, the egalitarian societies lead have led to many advantages to enjoyed by every person, particularly poor people. For one thing, the number of uneducated people has rose risen rapidly since the last decade. Due to poverty, they lack opportunities to learn. Take African children as an example, they only have a day–to–day plan lifestyle and cannot imagine how they get a chance to study in schools. In additional, the same right an equal voice is another basic thing right that creates equal opportunities. Each person has his or her own vision to develop their communities by voting. Burma is a prime example, after all much strife, Burmese citizens obtained their right to vote from the military, and Burma then has become the an an open country with the a giant leap of in the economy in of the ASEAN. This kind of equality would ensure the success of many citizens.
On the other hand, I would argue that equal rights and opportunities are do not affect with assure people’s freedom to succeed or fail. Firstly, I believe that most people would feel happier and more confident to work if they are successful in the fair communities. In contrast, those who achieve their lives goals by taking advantages from of others are never be reach real success. Furthermore, a social enterprise is a new career that can achieve both personal and social benefits .For instance, Dr. Muhamus Yunus who received noble the nobel prize from initiating founding a bank for the poor by giving microfinance services named Grameen Bank., Poor people can get a personal loan without requiring collateral leading to sustainable careers in Bangladesh.
With all things considered, personal success and equality can be exist together. From my perspective, this brings about many benefits to our communities.
Estimate IELTS Band Score: 6.0
IELTS Examiner Comment : You’ve really put a lot of effort into this task and there are clearly errors to improve on. Study the corrections and you must have a longer conclusion. Make the conclusion thought-provoking and drive home your opinion in it. I like your examples in this essay and overall, the essay has good cohesion.
ตัวอย่างงานเขียน Band 9.0 จาก ielts-simon.com
In my opinion, an egalitarian society is one in which everyone has the same rights and the same opportunities. I completely agree that people can achieve more in this kind of society.
Education is an important factor with regard to personal success in life. I believe that all children should have access to free schooling, and higher education should be either free or affordable for all those who chose to pursue a university degree. In a society without free schooling or affordable higher education, only children and young adults from wealthier families would have access to the best learning opportunities, and they would therefore be better prepared for the job market. This kind of inequality would ensure the success of some but harm the prospects of others.
I would argue that equal rights and opportunities are not in conflict with people’s freedom to succeed or fail. In other words, equality does not mean that people lose their motivation to succeed, or that they are not allowed to fail. On the contrary, I believe that most people would feel more motivated to work hard and reach their potential if they thought that they lived in a fair society. Those who did not make the same effort would know that they had wasted their opportunity. Inequality, on the other hand, would be more likely to demotivate people because they would know that the odds of success were stacked in favour of those from privileged backgrounds.
In conclusion, it seems to me that there is a positive relationship between equality and personal success.
IELTS Institute Team