จากงานเขียนหัวข้อ Brought up Child ของคราวที่แล้ว ลองมาดูเฉลยจาก IELTS Examiner และคำแนะนำดีๆกันนะคะ
Some people think the child should be brought up in the village because of good environment. Meanwhile, some people think the young child should be brought up in cities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In modern society, most parents are concerned about finding on ideal place to raise up their children. Some individuals clam that a child should grow up in suburb. Other, however, believe that their child should be raised in urban areas. This essay will examine both side of this argument.
First and foremost, a child growing up in the countryside is healthier than in town an urban centre. This is because living in the a village provides a child with a healthy living environment. In terms of physical health, according to many works of research, they show that urbanites have more fragile health than suburbansites due to contaminated food, water and air, which are cause by huge polluteding emissions from dense industry and households. In other word, country children can breathe freash fresh air and eat fresh food. Moreover, a good mental is also the benefit of growing up from rural areas. Children have vast green areas of fields fields as well as play groups allowing them to play with their friend. Therefore, they can lean to give and share, which helps them to adapt themselves to others. Importantly, suburbanites are very hospitable, and haven’t got a stressful life.
However, a child should be brought up in town for several aspects. First, the education in the city is apparently better than the village because there is a high competition among several education institutions. If some of them don’t improve their quality and hire excellent professional teachers, children will more to study at other institutions that have a higher standard. Moreover, because of many high quality schools, unlike rural areas, children in the city don’t have to waste their time for traveling to school. Secondly urban children have a colorful spare time. There are many more entertainment facilities sites such as museums, parks, zoos, and concert halls. They can get great satisfaction from these things.
From where I stand, bring up the child in the village wins my vote since it enables the child to become a healthy a healthy person, in both physical and mental health aspects. I suggest that parents should consider their children’ health condition to be a the first priority.
Estimate IELTS Band Score: 6.5
IELTS Examiner’s Comments: The only aspect keeping the score down is the level of vocabulary. I would suggest you try to add more adjectives and adverbs to be more descriptive. Your grammar is quite good and the errors are minor. Just be more careful with spelling, and review the use of articles. Work on vocabulary for a better result